Journal Entry 3: Classroom Blues

I wrote this in class last night…

I couldn’t imagine being where I am right now. The space that I’m occupying doesn’t seem to fit me and yet here I am. I think maybe I could push against the walls but they might push back and that could be embarrassing for me. I’ve never been a very hard worker. I’m not a “go getter”. I’m the kind of person that baits the hook and then waits until the prize comes to me. I learned as a child that I’m pretty smart. I have the ability to talk to anyone and I don’t scare easily. As I grew older and life shoved its way into my space I made sure I didn’t crumble under the pressure, and yet I find myself in this place that I don’t really enjoy. It seems, what’s the word I’m looking for…mediocre to me.

I just keep thinking I should be doing more. There should have been more opportunities, more advantages for a person like me because I had taken the proper steps in life. I never stole anything that cost more than five dollars, never purposely broke a person’s heart, I have no children, didn’t chase after boys, did all the necessary schooling needed to succeed, and somehow in all of this decent living I had walked down a path towards a mediocre life.

Another good word to use would be average. It’s the kind of existence that causes no ripple on the cosmic plane and even as I gripe about it I know that there are plenty of people out there that would love to have my life. But I don’t love it and that’s not something I can just look passed. It should be enough…but it’s not. It is not enough.

Nobody wants to go through life with this type of regret. It’s not a vast, soul eating type of regret, but it’s just large enough that it stops you in your tracks every now and then. “You could be doing so much better”, echos through you and the weight of that thought catches you around the neck and doesn’t let go. No not sou crushing at all, just dark enough to sadden your eyes when you think no one is looking.

Hmmm not really sure where it came from but I wrote it on the back of a piece of homework


Yours Truly,

Amber Mosby “Forgive me if I don’t get excited…”


2 thoughts on “Journal Entry 3: Classroom Blues

  1. Jaguars says:

    Amber, I feel exactly the same way. Except in my case I was on the path to taking the right steps and I walked away. Now that I’m back I feel like I cheated myself out of having something better. Now everything is so much harder and I always want to give up. I feel you girl. Maybe it helps, but it probably doesn’t. You’re not alone.

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