So today’s post is one of those “I’m so full of angst” posts. Feel free to completely ignore it, I wouldn’t blame you.
It started when I woke up this morning. I had lots of voices in my head echoing from the dreams I had last night. There was so much symbolism and it pissed me off to no end. This is about to be the last year of my 20’s and I swear on all that is holy there is an invisible noose tightening around my neck. I’ve got this choking sensation and I am walking this tight rope. Underneath my feet is a swirling mass of failure full of monsters that feed on doubt and anxiety. It’s terrifying and exhausting…and it has this smell that I can’t get out of my nose no matter how much I scrub my apartment or how many aura cleansing incense sticks I light. It sucks…sucks major balls.
I can’t seem to get my balance and when I finally got out of bed (at 2 in the afternoon) I had one of those moments where you look up at the ceiling and just start screaming grievances out loud. All these little things that I think are going to give me a leg up just keep back firing. They are small petty things but when added up create this suffocating notion that nothing is EVER going to work out.
What types of things you might ask? How about a job that was supposed to start this week but suddenly the program is having licensing issues and is postponed till gods know when? Or how about the free microwave (which I was very excited about) that I thought I was going to get but was smashed to bits by FedEx? How about the $150 electric bill I got today in the brand new apartment that I can’t afford, the apartment I was forced to find because the roommates I had before TRICKED me out of my amazing apartment in La Verne…that last one is something I’m still recovering from mentally.
To someone else that list is small and no reason to complain but those are just the problems I feel comfortable sharing. Right now I feel like Charlie Brown with a goody bag full of rocks and this bag is freaking heavy. I don’t want to carry it anymore, I don’t want to feel like shit about everything anymore. I need something to start going smooth and racking up student loan debt to get a degree that may or may not benefit me is not a win in my book. I’m almost 29…every time I say it out loud I cringe a bit. Amber, you’re almost 29 *gag*.
Man I need a drink…
Amber Mosby “Forgive me if I don’t get excited…”